in my past crusing thru autism posts on the bad site, once in a while somebody would post something talking about this and it was like reading my own experience in somebody else’s words.

for those of you who read the subject line and know exactly what I’m talking about: can you also never shut off masking except when alone and in fact can’t even relate to the concept of being able to “not mask” around others? or maybe around 99.99999% of the human race apart from a few people you know well and have known for years?

I’ve found (thru being homeless and couchsurfing starting well into adulthood haha do not recommend) that I can’t live with most people, even introverts, because their activity pattern is not like my parents that I grew up with, and so my brain fixates on what they’re doing and then I hear every. human. sound. in the house. at full attentional processing. every waking moment of my life. forever.

this decimates my ability to work because I touch computers for a living and I can only touch them correctly in 1 of 2 ways, either collab with others using tools like kanban and a ticket system, or solo hyperfocus for days on end, which has 0% chance of happening without the above going on…

but I got off topic. the question I am curious about is: if you relate to the subject line of the post, do you think the mental energy drain comes from being unable to shut off your awareness of (potentially) being perceived by others in the house; by your having to keep your mask on standby, warmed up and ready to go at all times when others are in the house; or, both? and do you have other thoughts on this particular topic which I suspect is related to a subtle but extremely impactful neurotrait some few tortured souls among us have???

  • Zink@programming.devEnglish
    1·
    14 hours ago

    Bit of an old post, but your title spoke directly to the core of my being.

    Fortunately I do not have to deal with it in my home life in quite the usual way you mean since it’s with my wife and kid, but it was and absolutely would still be with roommates.

    But yeah just the energy drain of knowing you are being perceived and then imagining and evaluating that perception from their perspective… For example, I will do basic outdoor stuff in a consciously arranged way just in case somebody is driving past or looking out a window across the road.

    I figure it is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, often seen with ADHD, plus an upbringing in a conservative culture where basic communication was via criticism. Combine those in a nice hyperfocus crucible, and my brain begins assembling them most likely put-downs before I even start an activity.

    Oh and finish by sprinkling on some Gifted Child syndrome. When everything comes easily during your formative years thanks to hyper focus and minimal socializing, it can mess up how your lizard brain reacts to challenges.

    Fortunately, realizing these things are true makes them a lot easier to deal with.