It’s very difficult for an allistic person to have the perspective, without previous experience, to understand what they might be doing wrong in this scenario, let alone articulate it clearly.

Unfortunately, society generally teaches absolutely nothing about how to safely navigate communicating with autistic people.

Nothing wrong with willingness to learn.

(I am not implying you are saying it is wrong to want to learn! That is just where my logic’s foundation is laid.)

I have a hard time communicating and functioning with my partner.

How do I better deal with the communication issues

I know it cannot be changed but I can certainly improve on how to process the situation and do better on my part.

I am struggling to understand, communicate, and find ways to function cohesively together

I feel that OP has adequately addressed that the issue is not one-sided or particularly a fault of anyone, just that it is a conflict that they don’t know how to navigate.

*edit typo

When I am nonverbal, I have a system with my ADHD roommate where we will use hand squeezes to communicate. She can ask questions, and I will signal yes or no.

“No” with no question asked when we are outside the house means “I need to go to a quiet place (or home,) I’m overstimulated.”

We have other signals for other things, but it’d make sense to tailor a system to you! (Signals I have: “I need food” “I need a bathroom” “What are you thinking (depending on context: about right now/for next)?”)

Having emergency nonverbal communications help a lot in the dynamic feeling more safe as well as removing a huge amount of energy in communicating consistently.

My dynamic with her isn’t perfect by any means but having some systems has helped.

I didn’t use to have such overwhelming issues with explaining how I feel until I had very negative relationships, where every way of expression was described to me as “incorrect” and every avenue I had to express myself was no longer an option.

It creates paralysis. It takes SO much energy trying to find the perfect 1% answer that couldn’t possibly be misunderstood or piss anyone off.

She might be coming out of a similar situation, and learning that expressing herself the way that actually works for her, is actually safe with you, would take time.

And you would have to actually be consistently safe, e.g. asking questions for clarification as the first resort for misunderstanding, rather than policing how it’s said (or assuming ill will by default.)

Misunderstandings with allistics are very very common and being patient (rather than jumping to conclusions) will help over time. And it can take years to build that kind of trust, (if this is even the case here at all.)

She feels scared to make moves intimately but wants to, whether it’s kissing, sexual, or in general even hand holding.

This specifically needs extremely direct communication as to when it’s okay to initiate, if it’s something she should ask for, or if there are times it’s not safe to ask or initiate. And a system where she feels safe/comfortable to stop doing that activity without fear of disappointing or hurting you!

(Vaguely saying “it’s okay to stop” is not really a system nor reassuring-- people mean all sorts of things when saying this-- it needs specifics. “We can stop sex, hand holding, or kissing, at any time, for any reason, just pull away when you are ready to be done, and I’ll be okay” is better. “You can check in with nonverbal signals whenever you are unsure of how I feel, or signal when you starting to tap out” can be very solid for not being so fearful of overwhelm.)

Many of my previous relationships were painful because I couldn’t reliably pull back consent, partially because they were shitty but also because I’d become nonverbal or didn’t feel safe. And I didn’t take my own discomfort as a “no” until it was unbearable-- being trained to mask unfortunately trains us to ignore our own body signals-- it should be clear she can absolutely stop before that point.

Not all of this is specifically always tied directly to autism per se, but maybe it’s a place to start in trying to lend her more social battery. Navigating difficult conversations like these every single time they come up, rather than having a systems protocol for it, drains real fast!

i went to a parade and it knocked me out for a week :(

(did not help i had random little kids bonking into my camping fabric chair the entire time on a touchy-no-good day)