I’m a 42M, my wife is 37. We’ve got a great marriage, super happy, everything’s solid. About a year ago, we met this guy (36M) through some mutual friends, and over time he’s become really close to us. We hang out all the time, meals, weekends, trips, you name it. Lately there have been some running jokes about how we’re basically a throuple already, and those jokes have been getting a little more… not-jokey. For the record, I’m not into guys and neither is he. But honestly, the idea is kind of exciting in a weird way, and I really like having him around, he feels like a best friend at this point. My wife’s also open to it. So yeah… would it be totally nuts to actually explore this?
Its all fun and games until they decide youre not fun anymore
Yeah, I’ll be looking for the update post to this between 3 months and 1 year from now. This shit works so rarely that no one that tries this should expect it to work long term.
If you’re serious about this I’d suggest a few things first. Find a poly friendly couples therapist and do a few appointments. Even if your relationship is totally secure you’ll get some good things about it. Read the book Polysecure. Look for polyamory or ENM spaces online and read, chat with others. What you’re describing is more of a V relationship with your wife as the hinge, or possibly a full throuple with you and the other guy as a platonic relationship. The main thing to remember is that everyone needs to be equal, and there’s really 4 relationships in play here:
You and your wife
Him and your wife
You and him
All three of you
It’s possible to be ethical as a triad, but it’s work all the way around.
In a poly relationship with n members, there will be 2^n - n - 1 interpersonal relationships in play.
This is the cardinality of the power set of n, minus the number of singleton sets and the empty set.
Thought i would mention it, just in case you needed a quick way to calculate the number of relationships in ur polycule for ur therapist.
Forget monogamy, I just need a mathematical relationship!
This is really good advice for you, OP. Polyamory is potentially a very strong and fulfilling relationship structure, but it’s a lot of work and it’s not necessarily easy.
Most of the polyamorous people i know came into their relationships already down for polyamory. Opening up a monogamous relationship is risky, so it is a good idea to proceed in an informed and intentional manner.
There’s a lot of ways relationships can go. A part of polyamory means finding what works for y’all. Who knows, maybe it’ll end up as a monogamous situation where the new guy joins y’all platonically as chosen family.
Lately there have been some running jokes about how we’re basically a throuple already, and those jokes have been getting a little more… not-jokey.
Those jokes are almost never jokes…
If the other people were the ones starting the jokes, that’s called “testing the waters” and you might be in more of a trouble than you realize already.
Like, I get that guys don’t learn that as early as women, but most people figure it out
Yea my suspicion is the wife is attracted to this guy friend or already fucking him.
I mean, most posts like this aren’t real to begin with if we’re talking about suspicions.
But they do get engagement so it’s worth popping in with general advice some people do need to hear.
I’m recently divorced. My ex wife met a couple who were swingers and had an open marriage. So of course she wanted to do this. I felt like I had to say yes because I cheated on her in the past which I felt horrible about and was a huge mistake. So we had an open marriage for years and dated all sorts of people. It destroyed our marriage and amplified our contempt for each other. It really didn’t help that she was a narcissist. Every woman I met through this process was 100% shopping for a new husband. One in particular I’ve seen pop up on my LinkedIn suggested connections. She has a new last name. I filed for divorce last year because I couldn’t live with the fallout from our choices. It’s your life but from my perspective, this is a huge mistake if you love your wife. Best of luck.
It’s easy to confuse friendship with deeper feelings, human connection is weird.
If you’re not romantically into him, you won’t be in a thruple, you’ll simply be sharing your partner with your friend.
Monagomy isn’t for everyone, and arguably polyamory isn’t for many people at all. I’ve seen a few of these work out but it requires very different mindsets and your mindset right now sounds like it’s on the sexual side (considering it exciting) instead of on the relationship/partnership side. Excitement is short lived, exercise caution.
Don’t ask the internet, talk frankly with all parties involved. Be aware that the relationship may already have expanded past monogamy non consensually.
It really depends, but ultimately a lot of social interactions can only happen between two people at once. Say you and your wife get into a fight. Instead of fighting it out & making up, she now has the option to stop fighting you and go hang out with your co-husband - and you aren’t invited. She also has the option to emotionally strong arm you to get her way by not only stonewalling you/withholding affection, but also by threatening to push you out of your marriage for another guy who literally lives with you both. Conversely, she does the same thing to the other guy.
Basically, now all those 2-person social interactions that happen in a marriage become much more complicated due to the presence of a 3rd person.
You’d need to have a lot of trust in your wife (and this other guy too) - she’d need to have a tremendous amount of emotional stability and be non-manipulative. She’d suddenly have a lot more power in the relationship in a very inequitable way.
My wife and I are very into monogamy. But she has a serious temper and can be very manipulative when she’s angry (she’s gotten better about this, but it’s a known issue). It’d be very easy for her to do something hurtful. I’m not talking about sex, just the emotional threat of turning to someone else for relief from me - and the implied threat of pushing me out.
Throuple of 7 years here. It absolutely can work, but please exercise extreme caution. It requires a level of discipline and security that just isn’t realistic for most people.
Many people will tell you it doesn’t work out, but the same can be said for relationships in general. There’s always risks. There’s no life worth living without risk. If you want to do this, you need to ask yourself some deep questions and answer honestly before you get hurt.
In the same way relationships aren’t just about sex, you need to know as sure as you can be if you can handle a relationship of three. It’s all the trouble of two and then a huge scoop more. It has got to be worth it, and a lot of it isn’t glamorous.
Exactly this. It can absolutely be a fulfilling relationship, but it takes significantly more work than being a pair does.
It also isn’t a good fit for everyone. You have to be not only extremely confident in the existing relationship, but also secure enough in yourself to understand that your partners are going to have independent relationships with each other just like you have an independent relationship with each of them. A lot of people just struggle with that.
Personally I find it to be a very rewarding experience, but I full expect that to not be the case for most.
If it is something OP decides to engage with I would definitely recommend lots of reading on poly relationships, seeing a relationship counselor who specializes in open \ poly relationships, and visiting poly forums to talk about the potential pitfalls \rewards.
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So non-monogamy is generally looked down upon because a lot of people have bad outcomes from it.
In the vast majority of these situations, the couple has decided to see other people because they are trying to avoid or alleviate the problems they are currently dealing with. If you or your spouse are not mature enough to handle one relationship, there’s no way in hell that the exponential complexity of a polyamorous relationship will work.
That being said, it sounds like you ARE one of the few people who are considering non-monogamy for the right reasons. Some of the most important things you need to do to make this successful:
- Great communication. No games, no bottling up your feelings. You need to be able to clearly express what your hopes and fears are, and then listen to those from each other person.
- Handle jealousy and loneliness. If you’re a jealous-type person, best to stop now. You need to be comfortable with your partners spending a significant amount of time together, without you. And you need to use that time doing things you want to do, not feeling left out.
- Secure in your self. Don’t base your self-worth on what your partner thinks about you. Successful non-monogamous people are not dependent on their partners as their sole source of happiness.
- Flexibility. You need to be adaptable to new situations, because a lot of things will be changing rapidly. Successful polyamorous people embrace the ever-changing nature of life rather than try to stop it.
- Be able to handle loss. All relationships end at some point. With non-monogamy, that happens far more often than with just two people. Remember that a relationship ending doesn’t invalidate the goodness it brought to your life in the past. You need to be prepared to process events like this.
One great book on non-monogamy is More Than Two. I highly recommend everybody giving it a read before moving forward.
Having a polyamorous relationship can be very fulfilling! If you can navigate the complexity, it’s a wonderful way to maximize life.
Bro just posted chatGPT output 😭 at least change the formatting
What, you’ve never written markdown?
Bro just bro’d chatbro output without understanding markdownbro
Only you can decide if its a bad idea. For me, if I saw my wife cum from another person, or make any of the happy sounds I get to make her make from someone else, I couldn’t handle it. But that’s me.
You should look into polyamory/consensual non-monogamy. What you’re describing doesn’t have to be seen as some sort of weird perverse thing doomed to failure and return to the status quo. It is a legitimate family structure.
I’ve been in a polyamorous family for almost a decade now. Most of it was three (the sort of v shape you describe) but also with a larger (currently six total) non-domestic polycule. I’m not the tip of the v but I love my metamours (word for partners’ partners) as family.
It’s viable. The trick is a gratuitous amount of candid conversation, and a dedication to the family.
With that many people, do you all share resources? I’d imagine a six person polycule would be much easier financially if everyone (or at least four of you) have jobs. I’m having a hard time making ends meet with two, and I would imagine the added stability of six would drive down the cost of living. Would be a lot easier to own a large house.
To clarify, by polycule I mean the total chain of romantic relationships. Currently it’s four of us living together, and two more living together as a couple where me and my chosen family member have been dating one of them for years. For most of it, the section living together was three of us, romantically a v but more than that we think of eachother as chosen family.
It definitely helps with financial stability insofar as there’s a lot of buffer when someone is between jobs, but otherwise it’s not all that different. Housing space needs scale with number of people in the family, after all. We’re starting to look in to purchasing a house together, and to an extent the purchasing power of four working professionals helps there, but if we also want kids it means looking at big houses so again it kinda evens out. There’s also an added layer of legal complexity that becomes necessary with home ownership - we don’t have a ready made framework like marriage.
Edit: I realized I didn’t answer your first question. It depends. Not as much as a traditional monogamous married family would - we mostly have separate bank accounts. But we share most of our expenses (even split for ease) and have income-scaled split of rent.
Monogamy? In THIS economy?
It might end in tears.
Might?
Occasionally it works out.
Sometimes it breaks down amicably
Bad and stupid idea. Unless you’ve both always been polyamorous, randomly deciding to open your marriage at this point just because you met a good guy friend is fucking ridiculous. You said it yourself…your marriage is good and you’re happy. Why risk that?
That being said, if this suggestion is coming from your wife then you may have some serious warning signs here. Sounds like she’s attracted to this guy friend or looking for more. I think you have to have some serious conversations with your wife. Your marriage may not be as happy as you think. I actually am suspecting that your wife may already be having sex with this guy. You really need to sit her down and have a serious talk man. Hopefully I’m wrong.
Good luck OP!
We’ve got a great marriage, super happy, everything’s solid.
